Joe

Exactly one week ago I lost my best friend, my soul-mate, my everything; Joe. He was taken out of this world by a random act of violence in New Orleans while serving in AmeriCorps NCCC. 

Joe was everything I wanted in a man and more. He was sexy, funny, compassionate, forgiving, generous, respectful and every other good quality imaginable. 

He treated me like an absolute princess, every single day. 

He would find me in the hall after a shower and tell me how beautiful he thought I was. 

On the very last night we spent together, we were laying in bed and he was telling me all the things he liked about me. Me, being my insecure self, disagreed, and he got upset. Then he pulled me to the mirror and showed me how beautiful I am. 

Anytime I was in a bad mood, he would hold me and tell me that everything would be alright because he would take care of it, and he did. 

He constantly stood up for me when someone would say anything but nice things to me, even if they were joking. 

He was an amazing kisser. 

His personality was so huge and happy, everyone knew him and everyone loved him. 

On cold nights, he would rather wear nothing than watch me shiver. 

All if these things, AND MORE, I learned after only knowing him for a couple of days. We may have only known each other for 2 months, but it didn't matter. We cared about each other more than anyone else. Whenever I was with him, I was filled with happiness. The way he looked at me melted me. I loved him with every ounce of my being, and I just wish I could tell him that again. 

I'm so grateful to have so many beautiful memories with Joe.

He made my life a living fairy tale. A fairy tale that should have continued.

I miss him more every day. But I know that he is being taken care of wherever he is, because he deserves it more than anyone I know. Joe touched the life of everyone he met and I know he is being missed by thousands.

flight itineraries & three days.

Although I am leaving in a mere three days, I have just barley received my flight information.

They like to keep ya on your toes, I guess!

I am very excited to start this adventure and boarding three different planes in one day.

Twin Falls -- Salt Lake -- Dallas -- Jackson -- Vicksburg

And even though I am feeling sad, happy, a little bit frustrated, and a lotta unpreparedness, I know that everything is going to work out. 

And since I do only have three days, I am going to make them the most stupendous three days ever.

Starting right after 4 p.m. today.

I hope that I find time to see each lovely face of my closest friends.

I am going to try my very hardest.

And ready or not

Monday will come

I will jump on that plane

then another

then another

and make it to Mississippi

where my dreams will be realized

and my passion will be renewed

I can't wait.

‎1 week. 7 days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes. 604,800 seconds. Woah.

I leave in a week.

ONE WEEK.

and I can't even explain my feelings right now.

People ask me if I am excited.

I say yes.

People ask me if I am nervous.

I say yes. 

People ask me if I am ready.

I say yes.

People tell me not to go.

I say yes.

People tell me they are excited for me.

I say yes.

People tell me it will be a great experience.

I say yes.

I say yes becuase I don't know what else to feel.

I have no emotion about this.

I am excited, scared, nervous, ready, happy, sad, mad, overwhelmed, ect.

But how many feels can one girl feel? 

Apparently, a lot.

And in a week; hello new home. 

left unsaid...

I realized that maybe, okay, definitely, I left some of 2012 out.
And although it is now the 2nd, which apparently isn't as cool as the 1st, I am still going to spill the beans.

Last year was, and will forever be, one of the hardest years of my life. Every body is saying that, I know. But I feel as though you should know why 2012 was the worst year.

It all started about this time one year ago. Things were happening with my friends that caused me many sleepless nights, tears shed, many worries, and deep sorrows. But since that is not my story to tell, I wont.
Throughout the next few months, I was hurt over and over again by friends and first loves. Hurt, but not entirely broken.

Fast forward to graduation time. I was having a really hard time with that. Because, I was afraid of change, I didn't know what I was doing with my life, I wanted to stay in high school forever. Wanted to... just for clarification. Also, one week before graduation my parents were going through a tough time with business things that our family was stressed and worried every day. Annnd, I learned a secret about my father that I will never forget, and that did, even though I deny it, hurt me a little. For him, I won't share that secret.

Summer was different, as everyone was moving, changing, blah blah blah.

Because of the business issues I mentioned earlier, my mom was forced to resign from her job, and open her new business. Which was stressful, insane, but so dang worth it.

Then. Here we go. July 23, 2012, two weeks before the prospective opening date of my mom's new office. The day I found out the most life changing, terrifying news of my life. My mother, my beautiful, healthy, strong mother, was diagnosed with breast cancer. She told us that nothing in 'our family was going to change', she was 'going to be alright', and 'I love you, I love you, I love you.' That day, July 23, 2012 was my worst day. One week later she was taken into surgery. As my family sat in the waiting room, we all looked like the life had been taken straight out of our eyes. After a couple of hours we were told she was out of surgery and we would be able to see her soon. The date of her surgery was August 1, 2012.

Just to start this off, you should know that my mom is the strongest person in the entire world. Four days, yes four days after her surgery, she opened her office. August 6, 2012. Which was scary, insane, exciting, and nerve racking all together.

During the time of all this was my major turning point. When something is sprung upon you that is literally life or death, you realize just how much you have. Just how many people care. And just how much you love your family.

It was at that stage in my life where I stopped to realize the greatness that surrounded my life. But also the time in my life where I got more depressed than anything.

The next and last months of 2012 came and went as I thought about life and it's values every single day. Life is the most precious gift ever given, and if you are reading this, you are so incredibly lucky. At times we all forget the big picture, focus on the bad, and sulk, but we all need to stop. Life. is. great.

2013. That's whats next. And we are all going to take it as it comes and enjoy every moment of it, because you never know what the next day holds.

keep breathing.

The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds
All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world, instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
Now, now, now

always back to that feeling.

Sometimes that's okay, most times it isn't. To go back, I mean.
One day you are just going along, loving life, being happy.
The next you're forced back to the past, unhappy with too many thoughts, in the arms of a stranger that you know.
All I know now, is that I wish I could rewind the weekend.
Take it back a couple of days and figure things out.
Make it different.
That way, I wouldn't have this terrible thought looming in my once free mind.
And. . . if only I could make things right for those who are getting hurt.
They don't know how badly they are getting hurt, but of course, I do.
It's kept somewhat of a secret.
A deathly secret.
Whenever I feel this way, I sleep a lot.
Because more sleep means less thinking.
Unless I dream. . .
That's why I slept for 12 hours last night.
These are the feelings that make me want to leave today.
Get on a plane and leave it all behind.

But what I really need to do is shake it off.

Because, when you look at my life, it is still really amazing and happy.

And I am leaving in about 2 months, which is crazy.

So, I have to live it up.

I can't let this one person get me down, like always.

I have to make this about me.

Me.

and only me.

Something I can never do, but I am going to try incredibly hard to do just that.

My best friend is in town!

And that's enough to make me happy for a lifetime.

Anyways, here is a cute pic:

bad news bears.

I thought it was going to be an awesome day.

I mean, I started it out with red lips.

something i never do.

until i got a phone call from my mom.

i have low thyroid.

i have nothing else to say.

except, i now have a sick feeling in my stomach.

happy monday.

night time thinker.

occasionally

every so often 

a few times a week

every day

every second of every day.

i think about every mistake, memory, laugh, cry, and moment.

those moments that are forever imprinted in your mind. . . 

even when you have tried everything to erase them, even magic erasers.

nothing, still there.

and it isn't easy.

just when I think that's it, my hearts like: "haha, yeah right."

boo heart.

and even though I adore Pinterest with every ounce of my being, 

i think it is the little fuel keepin' this love fire burnin'.

poetic.

ha.

this board.

and I sometimes think, STOP PINNING TO IT!

but I can't.

whateves homie g nizzle.

thug.

okay, sorry, it is late and I have not yet recovered from Black Friday.

. . .and then there is this last one.

this one that seems like I may have written myself.

because it perfectly describes my feelings.

and I can't stop reading and reading it.

that sick feeling in your tummy.

i hate liars.

there is nothing worse than finding out you were lied to about something that was really important to you.

the feeling of betrayal sucks.

i hate having terrible nights like this.

i just want to leave this entire town and all of it's stupidity behind.