Joe

Exactly one week ago I lost my best friend, my soul-mate, my everything; Joe. He was taken out of this world by a random act of violence in New Orleans while serving in AmeriCorps NCCC. 

Joe was everything I wanted in a man and more. He was sexy, funny, compassionate, forgiving, generous, respectful and every other good quality imaginable. 

He treated me like an absolute princess, every single day. 

He would find me in the hall after a shower and tell me how beautiful he thought I was. 

On the very last night we spent together, we were laying in bed and he was telling me all the things he liked about me. Me, being my insecure self, disagreed, and he got upset. Then he pulled me to the mirror and showed me how beautiful I am. 

Anytime I was in a bad mood, he would hold me and tell me that everything would be alright because he would take care of it, and he did. 

He constantly stood up for me when someone would say anything but nice things to me, even if they were joking. 

He was an amazing kisser. 

His personality was so huge and happy, everyone knew him and everyone loved him. 

On cold nights, he would rather wear nothing than watch me shiver. 

All if these things, AND MORE, I learned after only knowing him for a couple of days. We may have only known each other for 2 months, but it didn't matter. We cared about each other more than anyone else. Whenever I was with him, I was filled with happiness. The way he looked at me melted me. I loved him with every ounce of my being, and I just wish I could tell him that again. 

I'm so grateful to have so many beautiful memories with Joe.

He made my life a living fairy tale. A fairy tale that should have continued.

I miss him more every day. But I know that he is being taken care of wherever he is, because he deserves it more than anyone I know. Joe touched the life of everyone he met and I know he is being missed by thousands.

They tell me I'm {beautiful}

Going into Americorps there was a lot I didn't know. A LOT.

But one thing I defintely did not know, was that my confidence would be sky rocketing.

Complete strangers tell me I am beautiful.

They tell me I am beautiful when I haven't even tried.

They tell me I am beautiful every day. 

And the reason they do it is not because they feel like they have to, but because they want to. 

The word beautiful has never been said to me this many times by virtual strangers.

I don't know what I did to deserve this sort of princess treatment.

The people of Americorps NCCC are special, lovely people that I wouldn't be happy without. 

The people are what makes the program so enjoyable.

Amanda and Taylor. My girls. My support.

Destine to be BFFs since we first Facebooked! <3

My main boys. George and Brendyn.

Matt. Teammate and awesome friend.

Some of my favorites before a night out in Vicksburg.

Nick. The best hugger EVER

Joe. <3 <3 <3 

Katelyn! The first person I met in the airport. Sweetest girl ever.

Class 19. The best class ever. Love them all.

how to win a date 101

It was a Sunday evening just like any other.

HAHAHA

okay, no it wasn't.

I had way too much caffine yesterday and as a result, I went slightly cray cray.

And by cray cray, I mean I went to all of my clostest FB friends...

and starting liking every. single. one. of. their. profile. pictures.
I'm pretty sure I liked about 1,000 pictures, no joke.

As I was doing this, I started to get a lot of cyber attention.

and everyone loves that.

This is in chronological order of how things happened...

Wall posts... :)

My status... 

Read these in the order I numbered them... :) 

Sydney's status...

Wall posts.... :)

My sister's lovely posting of this picture...

And then, this morning.........

 And, that, my friends, is how you win a date.
check all this out for yourself on my facebookpage...

the past little while.

the past two weeks have been the best time, practically, ever.

 And I want to tell you all about it, 

but I don't want to bore you. 

So, in picture form, the past couple of weeks have been like this. 

to start things off, MY BEST FRIEND CAME HOME!!!!

Christmas Eve. Sister Love.

Christmas Day we went to Les Mis with a ton of fiends.

My other best friend came home, and we played in the snow :)

I had an absolutely amazing night with best friends. Before we went to Chilies Friday, we had a mini photoshoot.

At Chilies we met up with a few other friends and my boyfriend.
Who isn't really my boyfriend.
But I pretend he is.
And that we have been dating for like 7 months.
He's okay with this.
Chase, btw. :)

After Chilies we went to my house and watched Pitch Perfect.
Always Pitch Perfect.

Next adventure was CSI basketball watching with my faves.

After the game, we got in the car and drove to Jack in the Box ( I know, ew)
But I ate my first bite of beef in 4 YEARS!
Big deal.
I felt sick.

And next came New Years Eve.
Which was possible the best night ever.
I spent it with so many people, and I just wish I had taken more pictures.
We went party hopping and saw a ton of old friends.
At midnight, I kissed Kable... because he is my best friend and there is no better person :) 

That about sums up the amazingness of my life.

At least my favorite moments.

Everyday was full, exciting, and fun. 

So blessed with amazing people. 

<3 

for once.

this is all I want for Christmas, one thing. 

the one thing I know I shouldn't have.

and shouldn't ask for.

but the one thing I am dying for.

always back to that feeling.

Sometimes that's okay, most times it isn't. To go back, I mean.
One day you are just going along, loving life, being happy.
The next you're forced back to the past, unhappy with too many thoughts, in the arms of a stranger that you know.
All I know now, is that I wish I could rewind the weekend.
Take it back a couple of days and figure things out.
Make it different.
That way, I wouldn't have this terrible thought looming in my once free mind.
And. . . if only I could make things right for those who are getting hurt.
They don't know how badly they are getting hurt, but of course, I do.
It's kept somewhat of a secret.
A deathly secret.
Whenever I feel this way, I sleep a lot.
Because more sleep means less thinking.
Unless I dream. . .
That's why I slept for 12 hours last night.
These are the feelings that make me want to leave today.
Get on a plane and leave it all behind.

But what I really need to do is shake it off.

Because, when you look at my life, it is still really amazing and happy.

And I am leaving in about 2 months, which is crazy.

So, I have to live it up.

I can't let this one person get me down, like always.

I have to make this about me.

Me.

and only me.

Something I can never do, but I am going to try incredibly hard to do just that.

My best friend is in town!

And that's enough to make me happy for a lifetime.

Anyways, here is a cute pic:

iowefhsakyeuiawn.

askladfhjosdfhlaweuinksdfhjasduj

hfuahfnweuifxnqalskdfjhl

i can't even think right now.

or udder words.

ugh. 

oaihfsdljfhweuixhwn

idsmsadfhf

meh.

made up boyfriend.

first off, hahahahahaha

Yes, it was in fact fake. And lasted all of about 4 days. But let me tell you, it was more than worth it! I had so many questions about it, face to face and text/Facebook messages. I laughed so hard.

And yes, I do know that I should have a more interesting life than this... but I don't. So whateves. :)

night time thinker.

occasionally

every so often 

a few times a week

every day

every second of every day.

i think about every mistake, memory, laugh, cry, and moment.

those moments that are forever imprinted in your mind. . . 

even when you have tried everything to erase them, even magic erasers.

nothing, still there.

and it isn't easy.

just when I think that's it, my hearts like: "haha, yeah right."

boo heart.

and even though I adore Pinterest with every ounce of my being, 

i think it is the little fuel keepin' this love fire burnin'.

poetic.

ha.

this board.

and I sometimes think, STOP PINNING TO IT!

but I can't.

whateves homie g nizzle.

thug.

okay, sorry, it is late and I have not yet recovered from Black Friday.

. . .and then there is this last one.

this one that seems like I may have written myself.

because it perfectly describes my feelings.

and I can't stop reading and reading it.

obsessed, depressed at the same time

having a hard time again. 

boo.

I just feel like breaking down, lotsa tears.

don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful and blessed.

but, I am falling.

falling again.

for a person, for a feeling, for a lifestyle, for a memory.

meh.

just that, I need some times with some great people.

I miss a lot of things also.

I have no idea what to dooo.

I guess...I will listen to Taylor Swift, the usual.

just like old times

T Swift <3

&&&&

Today I went over to my friend's house to deliver a CD to him. We hadn't really talked one on one for a while, so I was honestly kinda nervous. But, we ended up standing outside his house for about an hour (or more) just talking and laughing. Like old times. And we made plans to hang out next week. It's things like this that make me really, insanely happy.

Don't ever leave...

I see you.

The feelings pour back all at once.

Please stop looking at me with those eyes.

I'm addicted to your smile.

My heart melts and skips a beat.

I don't ever want you to leave my memory.

<3 

& sometimes feelings never change.

Isn't it odd how sometimes just when you think you've moved on, you're done, something just triggers the feelings again? Love in high school is never a good thing. Never. In fact, I usually tell my younger friends to be like me and stay completely single throughout high school. And although I am totally out of high school, the love started there.

Now, I know what you might be thinking. . . 'Love? In high school? Yeah right!'

But here's the kicker, I can't think of a single word to describe this besides the dreaded four letter word! (No, not that word!) So for a couple years now, I have been feeling pretty strong feelings for this guy (lame, I know), but the past little while, there's been nothing. I guess that could be because we hadn't talked? Or seen each other? Nada. But now, we're talking again, even hanging out, and what the heck!? It's like, everything just poured back all at once. NOT OKAY! Seriously. I need to stop, but how!?

Okay, breathe. Yes, I can do it. He treated you like crap, played you, and is currently playing like 20 girls. DO NOT DO IT!

Wow, I feel actually. . . a lot better. Blogging totally helps sometimes. Now let's see if I can put this into action. . . ready? GO!

Boys.

Imagine this:

One night you are very much enjoying your life. Having lovely fun with some friends that you've missed. Doing spontaneous acts of fun, just enjoying life. Feeling wanted, because the friend you were with just happens to be taking that moment and making you feel slightly princess-ish. Holding hands like Jr. High, carelessly flirting, having fun. But there is only one thing on your mind. No, it's not that one-thought-on-every-teenager's-mind, it's worse. It's the past. The boy that threw you out. The boy that didn't ever make you feel even slightly princess-ish.

But that boy, the jerk, was your first love. Intertwined with friendship and more. He was your everything for over a year. And no matter what you do, you can't get rid of the feeling you have for him. It lingers in the back of your mind like a song you just can't get unstuck. And you hate it. You want so badly to get over him, in fact, the two of you don't even talk anymore. You went from talking every single day, to not talking at all. Not because you don't want to, but because you know you shouldn't. And even after every terrible things he did to you, you still want him to be yours. You forgave him more times than you can count and he took that for granted. He didn't care. And all along, you thought it was what you wanted.

It's really hard to move on. And I am stuck, trying so hard to get rid of the feeling I get when I look into his eyes, hear his name, or think of him. Here I am, with a new boy on my mind. And I feel limitless. I feel amazing, unstoppable. I feel like I am finally going to be loved right back, without exceptions. But, yes here comes the but, I am not over boy number one. I try to tell myself that I am, and I always tell others that I am over him. . . but truth be told, I'm not.

I need to get rid of every memory I have of him, because frankly, he doesn't deserve me. He doesn't deserve to have me here, always, waiting for my moment under the stars. This boy is your typical high school boy, one who feels like he can do whatever the heck he wants, even if it hurts himself or others. He thinks he is untouchable. And although this whole time I thought he was something near perfect, I was wrong. He is the reason that I have a tough, unbreakable gate guarding my heart. He's the reason I will always find it hard to trust anyone, ever again. And guess what, I actually hate him for that. I wish he would just wash away with the ocean tide, never to be seen again. At least with my eyes. I am so done with being treated like a second choice, and I am beyond ready to be someone's first.

I'm so scared to jump into this possible new relationship. I'm scared because my past has made me that way. But judging by what little time I have spent with him, I have a little twinge of good feeling about this. Even if it is just my little Summer Romance. He is so much the opposite of The Jerk. He has loved before, and I can see in his eyes, that he knows what the word actually feels like. He treats girls like they should be treated. It is so much the opposite of what I am use to, that I find myself thinking about what it would be like to love and be loved right back, all the time. I want to try this, I'm scared to death, but I want to try. He deserves someone like me, and I deserve someone like him. It's almost storybook appropriate. But for now, I'm sitting, watching the rain, waiting to see where this new road takes me.