One night you are very much enjoying your life. Having lovely fun with some friends that you've missed. Doing spontaneous acts of fun, just enjoying life. Feeling wanted, because the friend you were with just happens to be taking that moment and making you feel slightly princess-ish. Holding hands like Jr. High, carelessly flirting, having fun. But there is only one thing on your mind. No, it's not that one-thought-on-every-teenager's-mind, it's worse. It's the past. The boy that threw you out. The boy that didn't ever make you feel even slightly princess-ish.
But that boy, the jerk, was your first love. Intertwined with friendship and more. He was your everything for over a year. And no matter what you do, you can't get rid of the feeling you have for him. It lingers in the back of your mind like a song you just can't get unstuck. And you hate it. You want so badly to get over him, in fact, the two of you don't even talk anymore. You went from talking every single day, to not talking at all. Not because you don't want to, but because you know you shouldn't. And even after every terrible things he did to you, you still want him to be yours. You forgave him more times than you can count and he took that for granted. He didn't care. And all along, you thought it was what you wanted.
It's really hard to move on. And I am stuck, trying so hard to get rid of the feeling I get when I look into his eyes, hear his name, or think of him. Here I am, with a new boy on my mind. And I feel limitless. I feel amazing, unstoppable. I feel like I am finally going to be loved right back, without exceptions. But, yes here comes the but, I am not over boy number one. I try to tell myself that I am, and I always tell others that I am over him. . . but truth be told, I'm not.
I need to get rid of every memory I have of him, because frankly, he doesn't deserve me. He doesn't deserve to have me here, always, waiting for my moment under the stars. This boy is your typical high school boy, one who feels like he can do whatever the heck he wants, even if it hurts himself or others. He thinks he is untouchable. And although this whole time I thought he was something near perfect, I was wrong. He is the reason that I have a tough, unbreakable gate guarding my heart. He's the reason I will always find it hard to trust anyone, ever again. And guess what, I actually hate him for that. I wish he would just wash away with the ocean tide, never to be seen again. At least with my eyes. I am so done with being treated like a second choice, and I am beyond ready to be someone's first.
I'm so scared to jump into this possible new relationship. I'm scared because my past has made me that way. But judging by what little time I have spent with him, I have a little twinge of good feeling about this. Even if it is just my little Summer Romance. He is so much the opposite of The Jerk. He has loved before, and I can see in his eyes, that he knows what the word actually feels like. He treats girls like they should be treated. It is so much the opposite of what I am use to, that I find myself thinking about what it would be like to love and be loved right back, all the time. I want to try this, I'm scared to death, but I want to try. He deserves someone like me, and I deserve someone like him. It's almost storybook appropriate. But for now, I'm sitting, watching the rain, waiting to see where this new road takes me.
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