I think sometimes we are all much too afraid of the future, including myself. Everyday I make these elaborate plans for the year ahead of me, but when I look at something, like my paycheck, my smile turns quickly into a few thousand tears. However, last night, as I was sobbing over U-Haul prices, I wandered out of my pitch black bedroom to find my mother. She instantly asked me what was wrong. "I've been home a whole month, exactly, and I have nothing to show for it. I have only $85 saved and an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness."

My mom and dad always know how to make me feel better. It may take 45 minutes and a hold on all electronic devices, but they never fail me. They reminded me something I constantly need reminded of: stop thinking so much about what you want in the future, what happened in the past, and focus on what you have now. That statement needs to be permanently etched into my forehead in order for me to remember it, I guess. But it is so true.

What we all have now is a life. And that life is precious and ALL yours. You can do whatever you want with it. You can either sob over U-Haul prices in a dark room, or you can do something beautiful. For the rest of the month (gotta start out small) I am challenging myself to appreciate the small gifts I get everyday. Whether it be a smile from a stranger or a hug from my mom, because some of the greatest gifts are those that we often overlook.

xoxo.

Some days are worse than others.

Some days I feel like there is an elephant on my chest and a hole in my heart.

It just takes me a minute to realize that I am not completely alone.

Even though the people that I need aren't in this time zone.

Or maybe on this Earth anymore. 

Some days are worse than others.

Today was one of those days. 

This girl is 100% my best friend in the entire world. From before we even personally met, I knew I would love Taylor and we would become best friends. Meeting her was like being reunited with a long lost friend and we instantly began the fun. Throughout the past year of knowing Taylor, she has taught me to love life and, above all, yourself. I know I can always count on Taylor to approve of my selfies, drive hundreds of miles to see me, buy me a drink, or give me advice on life. She has a one of a kind personality that positively affects every person in contact with her. Taylor and I have extremely weird similarities, like our extreme rib cages, love for galaxy print, and ADHD (lol). There is never a moment of doubt in my mind that Taylor and I will be best friends forever. 

Taylor, 

Thank you for the past year of our friendship. I was looking back on the very first Facebook conversation you and I had before AmeriCorps began and remembered all the things I told my mom about you. Thank you for sticking with me through all of my boy stages, crazy stages, sad stages, and everything inbetween. I always know I will end up having a good time with you and you will ALWAYS accept the crazy things I do. It sometimes doesn't seem fair for me to have such an amazing person there for me to always count on, but I couldn't ask for anything else. I cannot wait to move in together in our super adorable apartment. See you in a couple weeks, soul sista!

<3 xoxo

"Somehow I knew we would be friends. We'd have our fights, our ups and downs... 
but when the big things came along, we could work any thing out. We'd fight over 
guys... then laugh it off, because we learned it wasn't worth it... We knew that our 
friendship would make it through anything. It feels like we've been friends forever, 
even though its only been a short time. But no matter what,  you've always been 
there when I  needed you the most, and I love you to death for it."

Letting go of such a year as 2013 is quite hard. When the year first arrived it was nothing out of the ordinary until February 12th. On that day, I joined AmeriCorps NCCC in search of new friends, travel, and above all, the opportunity to touch lives in need. Throughout my ten months in service I gained all of that, but most of all, those friends became my family and my heroes. It didn't take long for me to realize that the people that I was meeting in the program were life changers. They are crazy, wholehearted, genuine, and beautiful individuals that have become some of the most important people in my life. 

Throughout the year, I was thrown many challenges and changes all in which I had hands to hold of my new-found and life long-friends.  No matter what the circumstance was, I knew I could always, always count on them to come through. 

For the beginning of 2014, I want to honor the people that made 2013 a year to remember. Sit back, relax, and be prepared to (virtually) meet my best friends. . . 

never have i ever made a new years resolution until now.

 livin' like queen bey has to be the way to go right? i think so. welcome 2014!

North Carolina, you better raise up!

AHH, I love North Carolina so far. We are living in a small-ish town called Goldsboro. It's the biggest town I lived in since leaving home, but it is still lacking a lot of fun. However, we are living in possibly the coolest house EVER. It was built a loooonnnggg time ago by a very eccentric man. And you can tell by the decor. (pictures to come!)

While we are here we are working for Habitat for Humanity. Building two houses, and LOVING IT. Our sponsors are absolutely amazing. I am learning so many new skills, that will help me when I become a homeowner. For instance, the other day, Matt and I built and entire deck. Anyone in need of a deck? I can build you one!

For Memorial Day weekend, my team leader, two teammates, and I took a vacation to Atlantic Beach, North Carolina to soak up some rays. Atlantic Beach is the cutest beach town I have ever seen. And they have a killer aquarium that costs only 8 dollars!!! If you are ever looking for a place to vacay, choose Atlantic Beach.

I really love working with Habitat for Humanity. Just the other day, I was working along side the future homeowner of the home we were working on. You could tell how excited he was to have such an amazing opportunity presented in his life. Habitat is not only an amazing corporation, but it is an amazing life changer. Get out in your community and find a local Habitat for Humanity to volunteer at. It is well worth it.

She watches the world,

amazed by the significance of it all.

She finds beauty in the rain and the way people smile.

She didn't ever know love until it was taken away.

Every day she hides the pain, 

holding back the urge to run and cry.

But even through the pain, 

she manages to see the possibilities of a happier life.

It's right there, spanning in front of her in the wide open world.

She takes a breath in and whispers, "It's going to be alright."

She remembers the friends she has, and the parents that would give her the world.

She is lucky to be alive. 

She is lucky to be her.

What's next?

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. With round one winding down, I am finding myself more stressed than ever. But in exactly a week, I will be heading back to Vicksburg to prepare for my next project. I will be heading to Goldsboro, North Carolina to work with Habitat for Humanity! I am insanely excited to work with H4H, building houses and changing lives.

I know I haven't been updating my blog very regularly, but I am still alive and well, building trails in Kentucky!

Joe

Exactly one week ago I lost my best friend, my soul-mate, my everything; Joe. He was taken out of this world by a random act of violence in New Orleans while serving in AmeriCorps NCCC. 

Joe was everything I wanted in a man and more. He was sexy, funny, compassionate, forgiving, generous, respectful and every other good quality imaginable. 

He treated me like an absolute princess, every single day. 

He would find me in the hall after a shower and tell me how beautiful he thought I was. 

On the very last night we spent together, we were laying in bed and he was telling me all the things he liked about me. Me, being my insecure self, disagreed, and he got upset. Then he pulled me to the mirror and showed me how beautiful I am. 

Anytime I was in a bad mood, he would hold me and tell me that everything would be alright because he would take care of it, and he did. 

He constantly stood up for me when someone would say anything but nice things to me, even if they were joking. 

He was an amazing kisser. 

His personality was so huge and happy, everyone knew him and everyone loved him. 

On cold nights, he would rather wear nothing than watch me shiver. 

All if these things, AND MORE, I learned after only knowing him for a couple of days. We may have only known each other for 2 months, but it didn't matter. We cared about each other more than anyone else. Whenever I was with him, I was filled with happiness. The way he looked at me melted me. I loved him with every ounce of my being, and I just wish I could tell him that again. 

I'm so grateful to have so many beautiful memories with Joe.

He made my life a living fairy tale. A fairy tale that should have continued.

I miss him more every day. But I know that he is being taken care of wherever he is, because he deserves it more than anyone I know. Joe touched the life of everyone he met and I know he is being missed by thousands.

They tell me I'm {beautiful}

Going into Americorps there was a lot I didn't know. A LOT.

But one thing I defintely did not know, was that my confidence would be sky rocketing.

Complete strangers tell me I am beautiful.

They tell me I am beautiful when I haven't even tried.

They tell me I am beautiful every day. 

And the reason they do it is not because they feel like they have to, but because they want to. 

The word beautiful has never been said to me this many times by virtual strangers.

I don't know what I did to deserve this sort of princess treatment.

The people of Americorps NCCC are special, lovely people that I wouldn't be happy without. 

The people are what makes the program so enjoyable.

Amanda and Taylor. My girls. My support.

Destine to be BFFs since we first Facebooked! <3

My main boys. George and Brendyn.

Matt. Teammate and awesome friend.

Some of my favorites before a night out in Vicksburg.

Nick. The best hugger EVER

Joe. <3 <3 <3 

Katelyn! The first person I met in the airport. Sweetest girl ever.

Class 19. The best class ever. Love them all.

the {trail} life

In Whitesburg Kentucky, my team and I have been building a new bike trail to attract tourists. The first day, we started off in an array of cold weather and trash pick-up. The day went on and we found ourselves nestled in the mountain on a trail that was formed hundreds of years ago overlooking the beautiful scenic views below. Everyday since then, we have been chainsawing, trimming, hand-sawing  and clearing brush on the trail spanning behind us. We have encountered many slippery mountain sides, heavy logs, and dangerous fallen trees; but nothing stopped us from pushing forward. 

Not only has my team accomplished a lot of trail work over the past two weeks in Whitesburg, but me as a singular person have accomplished a lot. I have learned and conquered the mechanics in operating a chainsaw. Which was something I didn't ever see happening in my life. Life skills are handed to me every single day in this program and I am so grateful for that.

Also, here in Whitesburg, my living conditions are slightly unusual. My team (8 other people) and I live in a garage behind an office building. Luckily they were nice enough to provide cots for us... but they were not nice enough to take out the lovely chicken incubator complete with chirping baby chicks. We have one shower, that we are able to use only between 4pm and 5pm, Monday through Friday. Even though I was way skeptical during the first couple of days of this adventure, it has worked out just fine! 

I really do love trail work. Which is something I would have never thought I would say, but the endurance I am building is worth it 100%. 

New{s}

It's incredibly hard to keep my blog updated when I don't have internet access, but luckily I have my phone and a trusty app!

The days are slow but the weeks are incredibly fast here in Vicksburg. Over the past (almost) month, I have been trained in many incredibly useful areas. Including CPR, First Aide, Disaster, Diversity, and a billion others.

Last weekend the entire corps loaded in the vans and took off to Oxford, Mississippi. There we stayed in a small summer camp and volunteered on their grounds. My team and I moved cross ties into a new trail formation all day. The next day we went to the ropes course at the campus of Ole Mis. We did team building exercises, rope challenges, ground challenge courses, and a lot of freezing to the bones! After that, we got back into the vans and headed back to Vicksburg.

Every Saturday night, my friends and I hit up one of the two local bars and unwind. Last Saturday we went to the Upper End, a karaoke bar, and had an amazing time. At least half of the corps was there, dancing, drinking, and singing karaoke. On Sunday, a group of 9 of my friends took a van to The Jackson Zoo to do some volunteer hours. We cleared brush from a fence for a couple of hours. But the thing about this type of work, is that we make it such a fun adventure every time. After working all day, we got to enjoy the zoo for free and check out the animals!

A couple of days later I found myself in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, where a tornado recently hit. The entire corps took a day out of our training schedule to go clean up a park that had been badly impacted by the weight of the tornado. About half way through the day, I was sitting on a fallen tree trunk, taking a water break, and looking at the 100 other volunteers surrounding me. I think that was the very moment when I realized just how important and selfless what we are doing is. If only the entire nation could realize that there really are 18-24 year olds who think for the greater good of our nation. I am so happy to be a part of AmeriCorps NCCC.

Big things are going to be happening in the next week. For instance, IM GOING TO KENTUCKY FOR 8 WEEKS! My team (8 people) and I will be packing up all our clothes, gear, tools, and lives, and heading to our first project. In Kentucky we will be building trails in some very beautiful national parks. As I find out more, and get to a computer, I will add some pictures and more information.

arrival in the new place

Hey everyone, I have finally made it to my destionation in Vicksburg, Mississippi.

The first couple of days have been emotional, hectic, fun, and insanely tireing.

The feeling of homesickness is not fun. Let me tell you.

And I am only 3 days in.

Even though I know this is good and all, I am scared, worried, and also, sick.

I will keep everybody updated with what I am doing as soon as I start the fun things.

So far it has been all classwork, paperwork, and SHOTS.

I have met some really cool people though, so that's awesome.

flight itineraries & three days.

Although I am leaving in a mere three days, I have just barley received my flight information.

They like to keep ya on your toes, I guess!

I am very excited to start this adventure and boarding three different planes in one day.

Twin Falls -- Salt Lake -- Dallas -- Jackson -- Vicksburg

And even though I am feeling sad, happy, a little bit frustrated, and a lotta unpreparedness, I know that everything is going to work out. 

And since I do only have three days, I am going to make them the most stupendous three days ever.

Starting right after 4 p.m. today.

I hope that I find time to see each lovely face of my closest friends.

I am going to try my very hardest.

And ready or not

Monday will come

I will jump on that plane

then another

then another

and make it to Mississippi

where my dreams will be realized

and my passion will be renewed

I can't wait.

‎1 week. 7 days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes. 604,800 seconds. Woah.

I leave in a week.

ONE WEEK.

and I can't even explain my feelings right now.

People ask me if I am excited.

I say yes.

People ask me if I am nervous.

I say yes. 

People ask me if I am ready.

I say yes.

People tell me not to go.

I say yes.

People tell me they are excited for me.

I say yes.

People tell me it will be a great experience.

I say yes.

I say yes becuase I don't know what else to feel.

I have no emotion about this.

I am excited, scared, nervous, ready, happy, sad, mad, overwhelmed, ect.

But how many feels can one girl feel? 

Apparently, a lot.

And in a week; hello new home. 

"You have serious time on your hands."

That's the response you will receive from your sister after sending her this beauty.